Dating is awkward and scary for anyone. We try and show our best selves for our potential mates. We spend extra time in the shower, wear that perfect shirt that makes our muscles look 3 times bigger and our guts 3 times smaller. The goal is to show our counterpart as little flaws as possible. Don’t give them a reason to run away. We try and look like an amazing catch. Now imagine that even before the date occurs you already have one glaring strike against you.
First the pros, and yes there are pros
The old proverb goes play with the hand you are dealt. If you’re visually impaired make the best of it. There are so many ways that having bad vision can help a chum on a date. I remember once on a second date I told a girl that I could read braille. She didn’t believe me so I took her to door that had braille next to it. I softly grabbed her hand and showed her how to read braille. For some reason after we were done reading the sign she did not let go of my hand. Another plus is having cheesy yet surprisingly effective things to say to girls. One oldie but goodie from high school was the line “even though I can’t see well I can see who you truly are” (yep I had no shame then).
Other pros:
- You have more money to spend on the date because you have no car bills
- You get to concentrate on her while in the car
- You always have a good subject to talk about if the conversation becomes crappy.
And the negatives
Baby you can drive my car….how about no.
Yes, being visually impaired is a strike against you from the very start. One of the main reasons why, transportation. For the record I had 3 different girls say that they felt uncomfortable dating someone who does not have a license or can’t drive. There is a stigma for guys who don’t have their licenses. Most (not all but most) of adult men over the age 18 have a license and most men in their mid to late 20’s have a car. Red flags go up for women when they are asked on a date by someone who does not have a license. Why? Because men in their 20’s who don’t have a license or a car 1. Have developmental or mental issues 2. A suspended license for doing something naughty 3. Are poor 4. Are extremely lazy. Even if there are cases that don’t fall into the former reasons, men without licenses consciously or subconsciously spark red flags for females. While dating past the age of 17 I was left with three options when planning a date. 1. She picks you up. 2. You double date and the other dude picks you up first. 3. You meet your date somewhere. Let’s face it, most women like to be picked up for a date. They like the gentlemen to come to their door and escort them to the car. So I, Mr permanent pedestrian have ruined the ideal image of what many women expect. In retrospect all of the serious relationships I have had in my life have started on a double date or a group activity but never a first date where the lady picked me up.
No I am not smelling the menu
There is several other little things that can make a first or second date awkward for someone who is visually impaired. Like reading the menu for example, getting your face an inch from the menu is not a turn on. However, I learned a trick to avoid this. Look up the restaurant on the internet before the date and decide what you want beforehand and pretend to read the menu and act like you are deciding what to order. You think this is extreme? Ask yourself this ladies. If you were one a first date with a guy and it looked like he is reading the menu with his nose wouldnt it surprise you or turn you off a little? If you say no either you are in the 2% percent of totally amazing women or you are lying.
Long term…”you are a liability”.
People who are LDS generally get married young; many while still in college. What do you look for in a spouse when they are only 22 or 23? Potential. Women look for men who are going to be good husbands and fathers. This makes someone who has a visually impairment a possible liability. Given that the unemployment rate for folks with visual impairments is over 55% these concerns are legitimate. I had a girl once told me that she would not date me because she was scared that I would never be able to support her because of my vision. Also, I had another girl tell me that she didn’t want someone who was “damaged from the beginning”. Looking back these girls allowed my visual impairment to block their ability to see my long term potential. I graduated from a top University in the top 15% of my class, received several offers from tier 1 law schools, and now have a great job as an underwriting manager with a great insurance company. In addition, I have been able to support my family both temporally and spiritually. Maybe there are two kinds of visually impairments; those that block your physical vision and then those that block your mental vision to see people for who they are and who they can become.
Embarrassing stories…you bet
- I remember when I was 16 at a church dance I decided to try and branch out and ask a girl who might not get asked to dance much. I saw this girl I had never seen before over by the stage. When I approached her I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to dance. Well, when “she” turned around I discovered it 1was a guy with longer hair wearing parts that no self-respecting guy would ever wear.
- If any visually impaired person is reading this let me give you a good piece of advice. Be careful and go in slowly for a kiss in the dark. I remember when I was dating a girl in high school and went in to kiss her on her doorstep. However, because it was dark I completely missed her lips and ended up kissing her nose. Luckily she laughed it off.
Things you can change and things you can’t.
I have some advice to those who are still in the dating pool. Remember that there are some things a person can change and somethings they cant. If a person is overweight they can make the decision to change and loose the weight (sometimes difficult but always possible). If a person has a low paying job they can make the decision to find educational and professional opportunities to increase their income. However, remember that a visually impaired person who cannot drive is not lazy, or mentally handicapped, he simply cannot drive. He cannot change that and you should not hold this against him. Women complain that men judge them superficially because of their chest size. I agree that this is stupid because you are born with what you were born with. However, this same logic should be applied to dating VI peoplr. If you don’t want to date someone because of signs that they might not be a good mate (ie no ambition, does not take care of themselves physically, is not spiritual, and in general just acts like a loafer) then by all means don’t date them. But please don’t let small things get in the way of a relationship that can be truly amazing.
Advice to my visually impaired friends:
You are who you are. Change the things that you can and just don’t worry about the rest. If someone is going to be that shallow and not date you because of your vision you shouldn’t be with them. Don’t hide who you are. Be confident and know that there are MANY GOOD WOMEN AND MEN WHO WILL DATE YOU. However, for heaven sake make yourself a good catch. Learn to be independent, get a good job and education, and don’t be afraid to try new things.
You Lucky duck
In 2009 I met the girl of my dreams. She looked past my vision and saw the man that I could become. Throughout the dating process she had the emotional maturity to look past me not having a car or a license and instead focused on what really mattered. I am thankful that she agreed (don’t know why) to marry me. Heather’s often will tell me that she sometimes forgets that I am visually impaired. In addition, she has said many times that she has noticed that my vision has developed some of my greatest attributes. I cannot image my life without her. Despite my fun escapades in dating I ended up the luckiest man alive.
